The one left to work abroad - again. And again same argues, same words, same stuff. Deja vu. Saying one thing, doing totally opposite. Miss him a lot. Can't see it form the other side. Can't feel it from the other side. Just before leaving he mentioned something about moving in. We'll see. Now I am just watching. As he said "Give me time and room to show you what I can do for us".

So exactly that's what I am doing. No phone calls, no skype, just msn from time to time. but even that so cold and strange, it's not what it used to be. 

Trying to start my own life. And there is a plan. I saw the light at the end of the tunnel. And it's not that far away. Just couple of weeks away.

Went into properties market. Tough but enjoying it.  Funny situations, funny people, scary people, weirdos and so on... Focusing on it though...

At home - seems ok sometimes, sometimes hopeless, sometimes lovely and sweet, sometimes just stupid, sometimes......

Still nothing about future, still don't know what to expect but still keeping it alive. Still believing.

We'll see....

Funny how I have learned to hide emotions. Sad I had to do it on my own. It shows a lot... 

I  must admit. I haven't done anything interesting, I haven't moved forward an inch... 

Do I regret? In a way yes. On the other hand - I would never ever gained so much relationship experience if I stayed. Was it waste of time ? Deffinetely not. My patience grew enormously. All those "heart attacks" I went through - that's something I would never experience onboard. I am stronger than ever before, I know what I want more than ever before. And I am better human being than ever before :)

Work wise something moved forward. And current worst scenario is much better than the one I had for the last 4 months. So it's good. Even if it's not precisely what I want. It'll keep me busy. Which is always good in my case 

Such an optimistic note :)

Friday nite - anniversary dinner with me babe, then chill out at home. Some discussions, some other thoughts. 

Quite nice Saturday morning (noon) and then nite with starter at home getting ready for a foam party. Late back home, Lost with my babe, waiting till 8.30 am worrying. Explanation hard to believe but to believe. At least I want to believe.

Better afternoon.

Long as boring week now. But hey - Friday now :)

I am a drug freak - I don't accept any drugs in any way. I can't i was really trying to chill a bit in this matter. I can't. And I think I don't want to. Especially that most of my friends feel the same way. So i know it's not just me who's the freak in this matter.

It could be better, we could be together this day. Well unfortunately not... I felt disappointed. 

But I'm moving on. Don't wanna keep it in me.... 

Just hope we're gonna have a lot more anniversaries. Together. I just love...

So Happy Anniversary Sunshine :)

He decided to give it a try.

So we'll see whether it's gonna work out or not. I know I want it. 

Funny thing - I spoke with a friend couple of nights ago. Same point of view. She said quite a good thing - we know we are sure - it's just them who have to decide....

I am having so much fun lately. Started last Friday nite. I met up with my friend and my work colleague. Went to see another friend. Landed in Sopot. Went for a walk. A bit sad my BF wasn't there but fully enjoyed it. Next night BBQ with some friends. So much laugh and fun.... Interupted with one phone call checking me.... But at least I managed not to land in Sopot again. 

Monday and Tuesday afternoon with Him nice. Really. Last night great meeting with some friends. With too much of a wine :)

Today off. And so tomorrow. 

And then.... we'll see...

I got a sandwich delivered to my office today. I did not order it. Have no idea who was it from. The note said "enjoy, Piotr" so it was for me....

I stood up. I am stronger than ever before. Still sad. Still missing. Still loving him - is that unconditional love? 

However I know I've done my best. I've done more than everything. 

And thanks to this experience I know my own value. 

Still wish he was here.

For now I'm trying to get best out of what I have. So - let's go to the beach and cruise....

Yeah let's go to the beach!

I feel the breeze

The sun is glowing

Winds keep blowing

I'm still growing and

I try to do the best i can

Go down this roadIs there a plan?

I'm just cruising

Just cruising

Just cruising

And I wonder if I ever find my way

I'm just cruising

Down this highway of life

And I'm looking for a place

Where I can hide away

And she said one fantastic thing:

I do have time for my personal life. Thanks to my time management. The time we give to someone is the most beautiful gift we can give these days....

So I am trying to sort my life out. Without him. 

I still have a problem with this fact. The worst is not at night. 

When you fall asleep you think it was just a dream and you hope he's coming back soon. But then you wake up in the morning and realise it's not a dream. You realise he's gone and he's not coming back.So you jump out of bed just to run away. Half an hour and you're done. And you're on your way to pretend at least that you're fine.

I am a fool....

I can't let myself be threatened....

But I still suffer

I got kicked straight in the ass..... Just because I loved too much...

We could have shown them all...

I still can't believe he said it...

There's fantastic quote in one Madonna performance. "We all fall to the floor at some point. It's how you pick yourself up. That's the real challenge"

Still can't believe in what happened. A month ago it was already bad but still he was the only one to think about the future with. 

Got to start everything over. And I'm sick and tired of starting over. Got to think whether it does make any sense to start everything over again. At the moment don't think there is one. 

I did believe in what was said. I believed too much in the future. I trusted too much in what was said. I believed that what was said was meant. Well - it wasn't. 

He came to the bedroom. Made sure I was asleep. Stole my cell to read the texts. 

And when I caught him in the living room pretending sleeping all he said was "I didn't want to wake you up". And ran to the bedroom to put the cell back...

Any idea what's next? I have one...

There's not much behind it

anyway - we'll see what's next

Nation was mourning, we buried the president, many others are still waiting.

I do feel sorry for all the accident. It doesn't matter what I was thinking about his politics. On the other hand such death is not a bad one from practical point of view. You live your life till the end fully concious, the only problem is that ther's no time to say goodbye to anyone. But then you just die. No pain, no problem for anyone with taking care of you when you're sick, no pressure on your family. The family and friends suffer from your death anyway, whenever it is and however it happens. But it had happened, everything was as it was supposed to be. Done. 

My other half  finally got back home.

Still don't know what does he think saying home. But at least he's here. Spent the whole weekend together. Everything looks better, seems better, feels better when he's around. 

Made a surprise party for him - and as we expected - he was in a state of shock. Was better than I thought it would be. I didn't know the people I invited so I wasn't sure whether it would click. It did. He really liked it and it was the most important thing.

Still not sure about the past. Whether it is closed for him or not. And it kills me in a way. But hey - another day has come, got to get up and fight for the future.

For now - decided to try to give up smoking. Love it but......

It got really often when he wants to stay alone...

And I thought you get into relationship not to be alone.

Am I getting mental?

Or is it just feeling lonely? So fucking lonely....

Today, in the same place, Polish President, his wife and over 80 most important people in Poland died in a fatal plane crash.

Amazing symbolic situation...

And it changes political situation in Poland so much that I know the history is now.

That's life. We always want something else.

So my b-day wish is to have him next to me right now :)

And honestly - to get up.... 

Because

"we all fall to the floor at some point

it's how you pick yourself up

that's the real challenge"

And I'm gonna win it :)

Happy Birthday to me :)